How to select a babysitter

In retrospect, here is one piece of advice, which, if we could get a do-over, we would take. If you can do this one thing, do it, the rest is then irrelevant: When you are thinking of having a kid, move back - to wherever it is at least one of the grandparents-to-be is currently living. And by "grandparent" I mean something veeery inclusive - stepgrandparent of up to a couple of orders removed, a great-aunt of the birth mother of the child you are considering adopting (Housing is really cheap in Colombia and some of the best private schools have ex-Green Berets guarding them.) or even someone you've found through Adopt-a-grandparent, the not-for-profit that connects desperate parents to lonely old European emigres with interesting accents whose own children don't appreciate them and have all but abandoned them to an old people's home in Carpinteria.

The second best option is to become a faculty member in any non-physics/math/computers/engineering department. Then, while you are busy writing papers about the power relationships and the exploitation of gender roles in obscure 1920's fiction, you ask your female grad students to volunteer to babysit your adorable kid/s, and of course they can work on their thesis proposal after the children are in bed for the 3rd time that night.

Needless to say, since at the time we didn't believe in the exploitation of either old people or young women, we went with fall-back option 3, which was to spread the word in our neighbourhood. Pretty soon we had amassed a list of 5-6 bright, affable and enthusiastic middle and high schoolers, all from well-to-do families. We scheduled hour-long appointments with each of them, over a period of a couple of weeks. We then hit the parenting websites and, after plagiarizing freely, soon compiled a short list of 30-40 of the most important questions to ask a potential babysitter, leaving time for discussion at the end. An extract from our list follows:

7. Why do you babysit?

8. What do you like about babysitting and being around children?

10. Have you taken any babysitting or first-aid courses?

11. Do you know CPR or other emergency procedures?

12. Do you have any experience babysitting children my child's age?

13. What are the ages of other children you have watched?

14. What kind of activities do you enjoy doing with children? What type of activities would you do with my children? How would you pass the time with them? What do you like to do with them to keep them amused?

16. Tell me about your school life. Sports? Activities? Grades? Do you like school?

17. What do you do in your spare time? Any hobbies, other jobs?

18. What do you want to do after school/college?

19. What days and times are you available?

24.. What would you do if my child refuses to listen to you?

25. Have you ever had an emergency situation arise while babysitting? If so, how did you handle the situation?

26. Can you tell me about the best child you ever babysat for? How about the worst?

28. How do you soothe a crying infant (or an angry toddler)?

35. Do you have any questions for us?

Then we watched them play with the kid.

After a couple of these sessions, Isa said that no matter what the parenting blogs said (that it was vitally important for both parents to attend the interviews) she was sure I could handle it by myself and I could just share the Excel spreadsheet with her later.

Those hours I spent interviewing and getting to really know the people to whose hands I would be consigning my offspring, those hours were the closest I got to actually getting someone to babysit my kids.

Why?

Exhibit A: A sample weekly schedule of the average half-awake semi-human middle schooler:

M: Hockey practice

T: Music lesson

W: Hockey practice, every other week band or orchestra (Oh, so you can skip hockey practice occasionally? Oh no, because Coach says it is doubly important for me to attend the other practices since I am missing so many already due to soccer. Soccer?). Plus, weekly math test on Thursdays that I have to study for.

Th: All the rest of the homework is due on Friday and my parents really don't let me do anything those nights, which is when I get to see Dad. Oh and rowing.

F: Hockey practice, I guess? Yes, I am sorry, somedays practice is cancelled, I'll let you know if that happens.

Sa: Oh that is OK, in any case, what with Isa's working during the week Saturdays are the nights we would most like to go out. Well, this Saturday is kind of the last opportunity for me and my girlfriends to have a sleepover, so I can't do it this Saturday. {\typeface\grovelling12pt How about later, say in October?} Oh, in October, I almost forgot, our travel team away games start, and then on the 17th I am auditioning pan-flute for the Erie County Youth Orchestra and the first weekend of November I am playing in a concert.

Su: Sundays, how about Sundays? Sundays is dinner with Grandma.

Do you really want someone who can't make even their school Lacrosse team to watch over the vessels of your future glories?

Exhibit A': A sample weekly schedule of the average half-awake semi-human middle schooler before Title IX:

M: Available to babysit

T: Music lesson

W: Available to babysit except every other week band or orchestra. Oh and before Title IX girls didn't do math.

Th: All the rest of the homework is due on Friday and my parents really don't let me do anything those nights, which is when I get to see Dad.

F: Available to babysit

Sa: Available to babysit Except, this Saturday is kind of the last opportunity for me and my girlfriends to have a sleepover, so I can't do it this Saturday. In October, on the 17th I am auditioning pan-flute for the Erie County Youth Orchestra and the first weekend of November I am playing in a concert.

Su: Sundays, how about Sundays? Nobody goes out on Sundays.

Exhibit B:

$8/hr, the parents' perspective: That is 50% more, all tax-free, than Barbara Ehrenreich earned working for Gualmart and almost double the rate earned by double-shift working Mexican immigrants trying to send money back to feed their families or build a garishly painted house in Tchixabomba.

$8/hr, the potential babysitter's perspective: I barely break-even paying for all the chatting and texting I would have to do. Lets' see, 4 hours for their dinner and movie, I would earn like, about 40 bucks, but in two hours I can wheedle a new iPod nanomegaplex from mom and dad for "between occasions". Did they sign me up for hockey practice? That assistant coach is like sooo awesome.

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Now, we have much more success with Option 4: school-rich college-poor students. Our interview question: Are you available tomorrow?